its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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