This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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