I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
