Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
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