you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
