just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
You just made me feel so damn special
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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