New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
