i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize
