I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
