My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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