i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
