god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
