do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Too much gin, very little bucket
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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