someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Randomize
