ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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