If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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