every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
it was like eating out sand paper
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
