Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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