I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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