I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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