Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Randomize
