I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
