i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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