I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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