My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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