she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
it's like iHOP with fire
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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