I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
