After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
