she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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