his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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