I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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