we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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