Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
