Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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