he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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