Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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