this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
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