my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
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