there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
