I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
