that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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