Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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