Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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