Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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