Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
