Just cropdusted the office
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize