Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
