I haven't been this sober since birth.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I have already put on my inside pants.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
