She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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