I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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