I am in a vortex of obligation.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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