why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
