New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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