Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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