Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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