Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
