Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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