walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
