I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
