The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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