I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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