I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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