I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
