Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize