Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
