she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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