just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
